From the 16th July 2020 I will be co-presenting a podcast called The Real Sex Education with my son, Diggory Waite. In each episode we’ll be chatting about sex with a special guest and answering a couple of listeners’ questions. And I’ll be writing a blog to accompany the series, which you’ll find here. For our first episode we spoke with comedian Darren Harriott about putting condoms on bananas, losing your virginity and having a painful penis.
By the way, though the podcast was inspired by the Netflix series Sex Education, about a sex therapist mother and her son, that’s as far as the connection goes. The Real Sex Education is a Hat Trick Production.

Darren Harriott

Many people have gaps in their sex education or ways of thinking about sex which are unhelpful. In The Real Sex Education podcast we’ve been chatting to comedian Darren Harriott who felt his sex education didn’t extend far beyond learning how to put a condom on a banana. Explaining to us how he wasn’t surprised when his first sexual experience was a bit painful, he said he expected ‘losing his virginity’ to hurt. This has to qualify as an unhelpful way of thinking about sex and a gap in his sex education, because Darren’s pain was caused by a medical condition called phimosis in which it’s difficult or impossible to retract the foreskin.
New mothers are advised not to retract their babies’ foreskin as, until the age of about six to eight years old, it’s attached to the head of the penis, gradually separating over time. From then on, it’s a good idea to gently roll back the foreskin and wash underneath to prevent a build-up of skin debris known as smegma which can cause irritation. As boys are often responsible for washing themselves by the time the penis becomes retractable, parents and carers are often unaware if there is a problem. A clue is a child who is touching or scratching their groin a lot. There may be evidence of the penis sticking to the skin when it’s become inflamed, such as stained underwear or a child pulling at the penis through their clothes.
Painful inflammation
Most of the time, a tight foreskin can be managed, but sometimes it can cause problems. When the foreskin doesn’t separate, if there’s an irritating skin condition, an injury or infection, there’s more chance of developing balanitis, which is a painful inflammation of the penis head. It’s simple to treat – usually just a case of keeping the penis clean and avoiding irritants. When it becomes necessary, using lubricants and a condom for penetrative sex can make it more comfortable. However, repeated episodes of inflammation or infection may mean the foreskin needs to be stretched. Often this can be achieved by carefully and gradually rolling back the foreskin with the help of a lubricant, building this up over a period of time until it’s more easily and comfortably retractable. Surgical options are available if this doesn’t work, but they aren’t usually drastic. Unfortunately, many people fear circumcision is the only surgical possibility and fail to seek professional advice at an early stage while conservative measures are feasible. Yet, even when surgical intervention is required, circumcision is often not necessary, especially if the problem isn’t left too long. It’s, therefore, sensible to seek an early check-up when any issues are noticed.
Rite of passage
Darren didn’t get help until he was an adult and a nurse noticed his tight foreskin. Because he was unaware that his penis should retract, Darren didn’t know there was a reason why he experienced pain the first time he had penetrative sex. He cutely believed painful first intercourse was a necessary rite of passage. But this is another myth. Though in some cultures, and at some points in history, people have looked for bloody sheets as evidence of women’s virginity on their wedding night, this is based on poor understanding of anatomy. The hymen is a ring of stretchy skin at the vaginal opening which usually contains some holes and doesn’t cover the whole vaginal orifice. Its shape and appearance varies considerably from person to person, as does its response when it meets a penis for the first time. Sometimes there may be a little bleeding, but discomfort is more likely to be due to lack of lubrication or arousal and first-time anxiety rather than to stretching of the hymen.
In other words, some people do have painful first intercourse and/or bleeding, but not everyone does –  and the assumption that this will happen makes sex sound a lot scarier than it needs to be. Indeed, expecting a bad experience may make someone so nervous that a bad experience is inevitable…Wait! Could the myth that sex is painful and the need for bloody evidence of ‘virginity’ have always just been a way of scaring people off pre-marital sex? Hmm…
If you have a question for us to answer on the podcast, e-mail us !